Are you being indirect? You're also being unkind.
Frank & Eddy Quarterly, Q3 2024
When I first became a manager, I was uncomfortable with my new position of power. I asserted that I didn’t want my team of direct reports to treat me any differently, nor did I want anyone to do what I said just because it was I who said it. “I want to be an empowering manager that everyone loves,” I thought. “We will all figure it out together.”
A few months in, I struggled through the first time a report was underperforming. My lack of ability to directly say “you are not meeting my expectations and as a result your job is in jeopardy” resulted in the person telling me they felt blindsided when I ultimately fired them. I had been unkind because my efforts in supporting them to improve and hinting at performance issues were not enough. I was so disappointed in myself.
We all know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a lack of clarity – where you can tell that someone is trying to protect your feelings (or rather their own discomfort). You leave these conversations with confusion and without the ability to directly respond, since nothing is directly said. In being indirect: the opportunity to respond, or share a different perspective, or make a change, or create shared understanding, is stolen.
In our coaching work with leaders, the underlying belief that being direct is in opposition to being kind has come up over and over again. If you could tally up my most-used coach-y questions, “Have you told them that?” is likely the far-and-away winner (or a close second to “What’s important about that to you?” 😉).
By being indirect, you’re pushing the problem down the road for future you, and likely making it bigger than it would have been otherwise. It’s clear: Being direct is being kind. And, when you tell someone that something they’re doing isn’t in line with what you expect, you’re really telling the other person, “You’re worth the discomfort I have with hard conversations.”
Why’s it so hard?
If we know that we appreciate people being direct, what makes it so hard to do? There are a few things at play here.
First, it’s harder work for the brain to be more direct. Considering others’ perspectives and our own intentions, working to interpret and convey nuance, and navigating uncertainty in how the message will be received all result in increased cognitive load. Of course the brain is not accounting for the fact that effort will be needed in the long-run when the time comes to clarify missed expectations and miscommunications – whether with direct reports, or with anyone you collaborate with – and that time will be wasted due to the confusion.
Another brain issue: being direct, especially when delivering negative information, can activate the amygdala, the part of the brain associated with fear or anxiety, which can contribute to emotional exhaustion and drive us to act in ways that are less taxing in the short term.
Other reasons we might default to being indirect could be: we fear hurting someone’s feelings or not being liked; we interpret being a “servant leader” as not being able to tell someone what they need to do; we believe that self-organizing teams need context instead of, rather than, as well as, direction; cultural values about maintaining harmony come into play. There are so many reasons to choose what seems like the easier path.
How to be more direct
Remember that nice (pleasant; agreeable) is not the same as kind (showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature).
Be clear with yourself first. Are you able to explain what it is and why it’s important?
Separate the facts (the behaviors, or actions someone has taken) from your stories (the meaning you attribute to the behaviors). Yes, the meaning you attribute to them might be the meaning you also want the person to attribute, but separate them first to find any hidden assumptions. Crucial Conversations is a good place to start.
Use a framework that helps you to set expectations clearly. Situation-Behavior-Impact is a good one. When [situation/s happen] and you [do this behavior] it has the effect of [impact you're seeing that isn’t acceptable]. Instead I need you to [have this impact] or [this consequence will happen].
Choose your words with care. If you accidentally trigger someone they might get defensive or shut down and they won’t be able to hear what you are saying. Be curious about their intent, try not to sound unnecessarily accusatory. Non-violent communication is a good resource to learn more about this.
Don’t over-explain, or use more words than necessary. Our own feelings of anxiety can trigger a need to justify our reasoning. We hope that explaining in detail will help the person understand. But this only makes us feel better, and it complicates the message. Give the key information, and then allow the other person to ask for more. This opens up dialogue instead of overwhelming them.
Finally, practice with a trusted peer. Say what you plan to say and see how they receive it. Is what you’re saying clear to them? Does it feel kind, or harsh?
My underperforming direct report wasn’t the last person I had to fire in my career, or the last person – direct report, peer, or manager – I had to say something uncomfortable to. In the times I was indirect in those uncomfortable conversations, I realized that I wasted both my time and theirs. In the case of my underperforming direct report, I wasted their time because they were unable to pursue something that would be a better fit for their abilities and challenge them in a reasonable way. With more directness and richer conversations about mutual expectations, I would have helped us all get to better, faster.
Fun fact!: Some have asked us where our company name comes from. It’s the “both and” of directness! We are Frank: candid and honest. AND we are an Eddy: providing a safe space for you to move out of the day-to-day flow of your work in order to reflect and be intentional. We invite you to be Frank & Eddy with us.
What’s excited us this q
🚖 We had the pleasure of facilitating at LeadDev and LeadingEng NYC this month. We ran workshops on communication misfires and led discussions about how to manage up and what to do when strategic direction is missing. The most striking thing was how many challenges everyone in the room had in common!
What’s pushed our thinking this q
🤯 Did you know the FBI built a phone company to catch drug traffickers? Lots of thoughts about privacy and technology spurred on by this one: Search Engine w/ PJ Vogt
👨💻 Crazy stat: Before Title IX was passed in 1972, there was a 13 point gender gap in bachelor degrees in favor of men. Today, women are 15 points ahead. What’s going on? Ezra Klein's "The Men -- and Boys -- Are Not Alright" tackles masculinity in a way that might change your perspective or have you screaming at your phone. For us it did both :)