Vulnerability is hard. Practice it anyway.
Frank & Eddy Quarterly, Q4 2023
Years ago, I had a regular 1:1 catch-up with a peer elsewhere in my organization who had some similar responsibilities. Over time, I started to notice that I was vaguely annoyed with them. What was it? When I dug a little deeper, I realized it was because inspiration and ideas from our conversations were bringing them credit, and they weren’t telling me about it. This lack of transparency was making me feel used!
I had a choice: ignore it and live with slight resentment, or talk about how I felt and risk being seen as jealous, insecure, whiny! Ignoring felt easier, and I could justify it to myself. We shared ideas all the time and I was glad I was able to provide inspiration. But ignoring it also felt wrong. I value honesty, I know feedback is a gift, and I believe in practicing what I preach. Did they know what impact they were having? It was hard to decide what to do.
“Have you talked to them about that?” is one of my go-to questions when I coach leaders to work through anxiety, frustration, or anger related to a situation or person. The answer is frequently no. And what often underlies is a hesitancy to be vulnerable: not wanting to admit their doubt, confusion, anger; wanting to make sure they appear as a competent leader; or a desire to protect others from uncertainty. But lack of vulnerability sows distrust. Think about it: you just know when someone, especially above you in the hierarchy, is not coming clean with you. It’s not just that they’re not telling you everything (they can’t tell you everything – filtering context and information to allow focus on the right things is what a hierarchy is for). It’s more nuanced than that: you can feel that there is something incongruent in their words, attitude, body language, and that makes you wary.
What vulnerability is
Vulnerability is being willing to show emotion or to allow self-perceived weaknesses to be seen, despite the fear of being hurt. In a leadership context, the potential hurt could be emotional (your feelings or ego) or political (status, promotion). Anything from “I don’t know how to do this (and I don’t want you to think I’m incapable)” to “I feel crappy today (and worry that I will not be on my game and you might notice)” to “this feedback might be taken as judg-y (so it feels hard and I don’t want to).” I like to think about vulnerability in leadership as showing that you are human.
Why it’s important
I made the decision to have the conversation with my colleague. It was received with surprise, curiosity, and thanks, and it turned out to be a pivotal moment in our relationship. Had I not been vulnerable enough to give this feedback, there would have continued to be a small spark of resentment that I would have had to purposefully ignore (or deal with) each time we spoke. Slowly I would have become more wary about what I said, and our relationship likely would have run its course with me being less willing to engage with someone I wasn’t sure I could trust.
But because I shared my fears, taking care to do it with zero judgment, and because it was received well, trust between us actually increased! They were grateful to learn about an inadvertent impact of their behavior (including potentially on others), I found that going forward I was more able to be honest with them in other small things that I disagreed with (which improved my influence and impact), and I kept learning from them. I would’ve lost all that.
How to practice
“Be vulnerable” is of course easier said than done. I have had moments where I’ve felt too vulnerable (over-sharing), or vulnerable to the wrong people (unsafe), or at the wrong moment (awkward). But not being vulnerable – not putting myself out there – has a lot of hidden risks. I try to remember that, when the little voice in my head says “Shhh! Don’t say that, you might be judged!” There are always trade-offs to consider, but actually considering them, rather than just knee-jerk shutting up, is the most important part.
Considering trade-offs
The risks What am I worried will happen? How likely is that?
Emotional effort vs overall value Comparing energy output to usefulness. Will this take more emotional effort than I’m willing to expend? Do I expect this to make a positive difference in our relationship?
My values I value bravery, because being courageous helps me learn and creates opportunity. And I value honesty. Do you value something similar? Are there other values at play?
Reducing Fear
Fear rather than a clear evaluation of risks, effort, value, and my own values is often what prevents me from speaking. So how to decrease fear?
Create work routines where sharing what’s bothering you and what you appreciate is expected
Get more comfortable asking for feedback or advice with from a colleague you feel safe with
Journal, or find trusted partners (including a coach!) to help you get clearer on what’s holding you back and/or to help you build the muscle of evaluating
It does take some amount of privilege in order to be vulnerable, and it’s worth noticing that. Some people have more risk to consider, and sharing will consume more emotional effort. How can you lend your courage, or maybe even your voice, or role model your own vulnerability? Doing so will help you build a more resilient team that is able to leverage each other's strengths.
✏️ Fiona
Further reading:
https://hbr.org/2014/12/what-bosses-gain-by-being-vulnerable
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/the-good-kind-of-vulnerability#why-its-important
What’s excited us this q
👥 Clients! Obviously. We started this business with a desire to connect and help leaders in tech (and elsewhere!), and we are so grateful to be able to witness the insights and sparks of change and improvement among our growing client roster.
👯 Working together. Alia and I have been spending the past few months building the business together. Relying on each other, disagreeing, brainstorming, building. We coach individually but we decided to build together because it will help us be accountable, we’ll share the load, we’ll benefit from another perspective, and we’ll exchange energy. Ah, the advantages of collaboration over doing things in silos!
📈 Quarterly Planning! Funny how you can get excited about this when it’s for something you love. 😂We used our tried-and-true team techniques on ourselves (yes, quarterly goals and a retrospective!). We came out of our day with learnings about how our first quarter had performed (our fledgling business is on track with our finger-in-the-air projections from a few months ago) and some experiments to try (look out for a F&E Learning Lab kicking off in January, and some short form video by end of year!).
What’s pushed our thinking this q
📕 “Good controversy leads to something better than the status quo. It helps communities move forward in their thinking. It helps us grow [...] when it works, it is a forceful antidote to bullshit.”
🎙️ Self care beyond candles and massages: setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, aligning your values, and exercising power.
📝 Emotions are not pre-wired; we construct them. “Worry is repeating a thought over and over again. You are practising that thought, and with practice, it gets easier to experience the thought over time. You can practice positive thoughts and emotions instead.”